I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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