I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
