Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
