you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
