I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
