I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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