I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
