Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
