Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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