You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
