Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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