i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
