hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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