I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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