I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
