she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
