my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
All the doctor said was why
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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