Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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