I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
