Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
