the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
