we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
