She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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