he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
