Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
