You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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