I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
