she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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