I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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