I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm just crazy horny about you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
