member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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