I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
