i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
