I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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