bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
