Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
