just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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