The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
