DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm like, not good at living.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
