just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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