Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
