Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't put those talents on a resume
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
