I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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