I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
