also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
