she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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