Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
