just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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