he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
