One girl and one boy is just not enough.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
