I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i drank out of a bidet.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
